I Never Meant To Write This
by Rylenae
Summary: Not exactly a happy story, happy endings are all I ever hear about. I think it's time to show you all how life really does work, and nine times out of ten... It always ends horribly. AU. All of the events that happen in this story happened to me in real life, just the names were changed to Bleach characters. It all makes a pretty cool story in the end...


Since first grade we've known each other. Been friends forever, huh? I wish. The way our desks were set up in class, was with me in the last row in the back and you right in front of me. When recess came around, we probably played together about four or five times all school year so far.

You were peculiar though. I liked that about you. Orange hair? Naturally? That's awesome.

I had a friend who brought up the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't know what those meant at the time, except for playmates at recess every day. So, we decided to be just that; boyfriend and girlfriend, aka playmates. We played tag, chased each other to the top of the jungle gym, pushed each other down the slide, all the cute stuff. One time we sat at the same desk and drew pictures of this cute stuffed animal cat you brought in. I liked your malformed stick cat better than my scribbly cat I drew. It was adorable, the look of accomplishment on your face. It's a wonder I still remember to this day. We hugged almost every day, and then went home.

When second grade started, I looked all over for you. I asked my teacher and you weren't in my class. I asked the other second grade teachers, and they said you weren't in theirs either... I was scared that I had lost my friend. Did you stay in first grade? No way could you have gone to another school... I came to find you had gone away and moved; I didn't figure that out for another seven years. Being the child I was, I made more friends and seemed to completely have forgotten about you. I'd see you tomorrow, I thought. Or the day after...

Third, fourth, fifth, sixth, then I moved. Unconsciously, I knew I was looking for you in this new school. But then again, I never really looked around. No one stood out to me as you had, and I realized that whenever I thought of friendships, your orange hair and cute little smile came out of nowhere and cheered me up. I started to get really lonely then too; just sudden little pains in my heart that tended to stick, then got worse as people started to pick on me. I wondered if things would be different if you were around. I think you would have stood up for me, since I know I couldn't do it for myself. I was alone, therefore scared out of my mind. I started to give up on ever seeing you again.

Seventh grade; middle school. I moved the day before seventh grade started, about a ten minute drive from the school. All the different intermediates and elementary schools in the surrounding districts came here, so maybe... Would you be here?

No.

Another school year alone, that I would have to brave through without you. I was becoming a teenager then, going through a change I needed parental support from, but all I got was a twenty dollar bill, the pizza parlor's number, and a, "Bye, baby, love you," from my mom as she went to the bar every other night. I needed a friend to rely on, someone to vent to. But it never happened this year.

Eighth grade came along, and a new middle school was built a couple blocks away. I didn't see the need for it, but it happened. My life had been everything less of extraordinary, and I'd given up all hope on it looking better. I dyed my hair black, wore black, didn't talk to anyone unless they spoke to me, and even then I didn't say more than two words. I was troubled, and got into a bad, secret habit; cutting. Just my arms, not very many. I couldn't stand the constant teasing, my best friend not there to save me like he always did. I felt ridiculous for always relying on your memory to get me through, but I hadn't had any real guidance from anyone. I dreamt about you a lot, but it didn't really bring you back.

So, the first day of eighth grade? I sat at a desk where no one bothered me, away from the people I hated most. One row forward from the back row, same seat you had in first grade, I thought. The late bell rang and I felt someone snake past me, trying to blend in quietly into the seat behind me. I didn't give them a glance. Probably someone who thinks they're cool for sitting in the back.

Attendance time. This particular classroom was homeroom, the start to the day before it even began. We were categorized by last name, and this class had the J, K, and L last named students. I'm a K, just as you were.

"Kokoro, Yukie?"

"Here," I sighed.

"Kurosaki, Ichigo?"

I froze. Your name? No, must be someone else. That's impossible! Just as I had given up... I glanced around quickly, trying not to seem like I was even looking, then you spoke up from behind.

"Here."

I turned and looked at you. Orange hair. Absurdly tall. You. Your hands were fidgeting with your trapper-keeper you had on your desk. I was so happy, you wouldn't even have had to have asked why I was smiling. But it all crashed when all you did was give an awkward wave, and a sideways smile.

You forgot me?

Attendance continued, and I felt that pang of heartbrokenness. I turned back to the front, and waited. The bell rang, and I waited till you passed me, and then followed you.

"Ichigo?" I called to you.

You gave me a confused look, and you didn't even have to say anything.

"You really don't remember me? We were in first grade together. We drew a cat."

You gave me the strangest look ever.

"So, I remember your face, but definitely no cat. What happened to you? You used to be so much more... Brighter."

I blinked, and continued to walk in step with you.

"Well, some things happened. Anyway, how have you been? I've missed you so much! I never thought-"

"Here's my first class."

You cut in front of me and into said classroom, and I didn't see you again for four hours, when lunch came around. I saw you sitting with some new friends, people I knew the names of, but never really knew them. I sat by you impulsively.

"Hey, Yukie. Long time no talk," one of the people said. I remember him, now that I think about it. Uryuu Ishida, we were friends in sixth grade. We dug holes at recess.

"H-hey..." I lamely stated. "You all know Ichigo?"

They all agreed, and then informed me they all just came from class with him. They all seemed pretty nice, and I felt like we all would get along. I felt my walls slide down slowly...

I spent most of the lunch period listening, watched as they all ate. I don't have much of an appetite for school lunches...

Apparently, something happened to your mother at your young age, and your father decided to send you to a more private uppity school to protect your sanity. What the hell ever, was your comment at that point? You seemed more rebellious now. But since your father remarried, you moved back to this area and here you are. Amazing...

The lunch period ended, then the rest of the day for me drug by. I have no classes with you, but we had homeroom again to unwind and make sure we had our things together before it was time to go.

"How was your day?" I asked you, trying to see if this morning's snuff was just an accident.

You yawned, and then scratched your cute head of orange hair.

"It was aright, I guess. Got told like twenty times to dye my hair back to my original color, but I guess they don't realize it's natural. Whatever, though."

"That's cool."

I waited for you to ask me, then I would tell you how happy and excited I was to see you again. How thrilled I was to have some sort of solid foundation to lean on. How tickled I felt that I might be able to explain to you these feelings I've been having.

You never asked, and it was time to go home.

I was the first one off the bus; home was too much sooner than I had wanted to be. I shuffled home, and into my bedroom and into bed... I cried, and slept there until morning.

The next few months went by completely uneventful, and eventually I knew that I had some pretty intense feelings for you. I liked you so much. I stopped cutting, my scars healed and almost disappeared. Our friends, Uryuu, Hanataro, Toushiro, Renji, and Tatsuki, we all sat together at lunch and complained about home life, school work, teachers, talked about girls (well, you boys did anyway),and just joked around. Had fun. I tried hard to stick out to you, for you to notice me. I knew our friendship was restored, and we were good friends again. But we seemed fractured, I made it all awkward by always getting quiet when you talked about some girl, when you needed someone, I wanted to scream, "Hey! I'm here for you, and always want to be!" Ichigo, you were so my first love.

One random day, I couldn't take it anymore. Tatsuki asked me to walk with her to her locker to help her carry her books, right before lunch started.

"Tatsuki, can I tell you something? Girl to girl?"

"Sure. I don't mind."

"..." I wasn't sure if I could say it, but someone had to know before I exploded. "I'm in love with Ichigo!"

"W-what?" She nearly tumbled forward, surprised by what I said.

"Was that too fast?"

"Try unexpected! Where did that come from?"

"I've known him since we were in first grade together... I like him so much I can barely stand beside myself-"

"Tell me about it..."

"I'm serious!" I started pouting as we reached her locker. "I know it's true. I know it."

"Why are you telling me? Why don't you tell him?"

"You think I should? I'm too scared-what if he rejects me?"

"What if he feels the same? You never know. You guys are cool with each other, he just might feel the same and you don't know it."

I bit my lip as she piled books into my arms, then the bell rang. Off to lunch we go.

My heart was racing a mile a minute. I couldn't focus on any of the jokes, I couldn't keep up with what you were all talking about. I wanted to tell you, I had to let you know.

"Ichigo!" I suddenly blurted out. Hanataro fumbled his water bottle for a second, and then everyone looked at me. I felt my whole body heat up, and then with a gulp, I closed my eyes. "Ichigo, I... I love you."

I could feel the tension, and how awkward I just made things. I just embarrassed the hell out of myself, and I couldn't take it. I ran to the girl's bathroom to hide for the rest of lunch.

The day continued, and homeroom came. I was too embarrassed to speak to you, even look at you. Then we went home.

I had my mother cut all my hair off.

The next day I went to school with my head hiding in my hoodie. I looked like a boy, with boobs. Tatsuki's hair was even longer than mine. I regret the choice instantly, but I think cutting my hair off was a better choice than cutting my arm up.

When lunch came around, I had then given up on hiding. A female teacher had me stay after class earlier to talk to me, asked me what was wrong. It was nice, to explain to someone what was wrong and actually be concerned and listen. She got me to show her my hair, then she kindly made me a little more confident; she got out some hair gel and gave my hair a more helpful approach to the world. I had to admit it looked awesome.

"What the hell happened to your hair?" Renji choked out after spewing apple juice all over his lunch.

"You like it?" I asked sheepishly.

"No. Not really."

"Damn, thanks for the boost of confidence..."

I waited for your input. I looked at you, waiting. Things stopped being awkward, obviously, because all you did was shrug.

"As long as you like it, I suppose."

I nodded and looked down at my hands on the table, my fingers tangling and bending unnaturally.

"I like it, Yukie," Uryuu said finally.

"It looks ridiculous." Thank you, Toushiro...

"I like it, Yukie. Screw these boys; they don't know what they're missin'."

"Thanks, Tatsuki..."

So winter came. Your hair grew out a little, and I fell for it almost instantly. Not only was who you were the most appealing to me, you also looked pretty damn good. I loved it. I could never really stand out to you, the way you did to me. I was falling for you each day we hung out for just that simple hour. And I had no idea what was going on in your head, not a thing. I was so scared of the day when you finally found a girl that you did want to be in your life. I dreaded it so much; I felt my heart break multiple times over again.

Talks about class trips came along, and I was excited to go. Tatsuki, Uryuu, and I were going. You didn't want to, so you didn't tell your dad, then Hanataro didn't have the financial aid to go. Toushiro just didn't care. The boy was failing and could care less. I promised you I'd take enough pictures for it to seem like you were there.

Time for the trip came around quickly. I ended up having to room with some girl I barely knew, and I knew she barely liked me either. I kept to myself.

Uryuu introduced me to his roommate, Sado, who was pretty cool. He went by the name Chad though. We all wandered away from our chaperones, finding Tatsuki and made her do the same. We sight-saw on our own, did what we wanted. On the last night, Tatsuki, Uryuu and I hung outside my room at the motel.

"Uryuu says he likes someone but won't tell me who. Maybe you can get it out of him?"

I looked at Uryuu and rose a brow. I didn't know that was possible. I missed you all of a sudden. I wondered if you missed me.

"I can't help it. I'm allowed to have a crush on someone."

"But WHO?" I taunted, playfully shoving him.

"I don't feel like telling. You'll have to guess."

Tatsuki sighed. "I'm going to bed then. This'll take years!"

She turned and started off. We said our goodnights to her.

"You miss Ichigo?"

I looked at Uryuu suddenly, blushing.

"Yeah... Can't help it. I really think I am in love when it comes to him..." I told the truth. I really believe it.

"... So you got ten guesses." Ten? "To figure out which girl we all know is the girl I like."

"Uryuu, I didn't even know you were capable of those kinds of emotions."

"Whatever. But seriously, play along with me and at least TRY to figure it out?"

"Yeah. I'm going to bed. Night, dude."

"Goodnight, Yukie."

I hope to god he didn't mean me.

When we got back into town, it was the weekend. I wanted to see you so bad. You didn't live nearby; I didn't have your number... So I had to wait. Until Monday.

Monday came and I showed you all these pictures of landmarks and trees and Uryuu and Tatsuki and Chad, then played Uryuu's guessing game.

Four guesses gone and I was nowhere near the correct answer. I didn't like where this was going...

Sometime during the day I learned you were going to walk to the library after school to 'work on a school project,' and your dad was going to pick you up a few hours later. I decided to go too. I wanted to hang out with you so bad. Uryuu and Hanataro were going too.

I waited so impatiently.

After school, we were walking in the springtime weather; jeans and hoodies. I had my hands stuffed in my pockets to refrain from doing something stupid. I listened to you and Uryuu talk about this girl he liked so much. I half listened, while conspiring to do something to bring you and me closer. I considered pleading insanity, for all the time I've been feeling like this, I thought I was obsessed with you. No, I think I know what love is. I walked beside you with Hanataro on my other side.

Your 'school project' consisted of playing a few card games with Uryuu and Hanataro. I watched carefully, learning how to play. I thought I might as well learn and get into it and show you I can like the things you like. I listened in to your conversations while I read a manga or two as I lounged in a chair nearby. It was nearing the time for your dad to come get you and I wanted to do something for you, something to make me stand out. A few times I thought I may have been trying too hard, but I couldn't just sit back. I had to make sure you knew how I felt...

"Ichigo?" I didn't even notice myself say his name.

"Yeah? I forgot you were even here."

Well that made my mood better... I didn't even know what I was going to say now. "... Uhm, you ever read this manga? It's really good?"

I cursed myself as I seemed to bore you, you didn't seem interested in it as I rambled on about it, pretty much telling you the whole storyline. In moments, your dad appeared and you had gone.

"I'm sorry, Yukie," Hanataro said suddenly. "I know it hurts. I wish I had someone like you as devoted and hard working for me... I'd appreciate you so much more than him."

I didn't know how to take that, and I honestly thought I was about to take it as him confessing to me in an odd way, until Uryuu came to the rescue.

"Let me walk you home, Yukie. It's the least I can do."

"You live like... A block away. I'm a twenty minute walk from here."

"As I said, the least I could do."

"I might as well walk with you; my house is on the way..." Hanataro sighed and gathered his things.

I solemnly agreed, and stalked the two out the doors of the library. Hanataro lived pretty close, now there were eighteen minutes left in this walk. My hands were shoved in my pockets to keep them warm.

"I think you should play the guessing game to pass time."

"Probably. Is it Orihime?"

"No. You've got five more guesses."

"I suck at this game, Uryuu!"

"You just aren't playing it right," he laughed.

I listened to him talk, and we joked until I got home. It felt good, to have a friend I can rely on again. I still counted on you so much; I needed you to get through the day, honestly. But you seemed to want nothing to do with me... So Uryuu and I got a little bit closer as friends. I felt comfortable being able to talk about whatever, and he just listened.

Months pass, and my mother and I got into a fight. A really bad one, to say the least. She broke a lamp at my feet and locked me in my room. I wanted you to come save me, as I always, always hoped you would in the past when I needed you. I couldn't call Uryuu, Hanataro, or Tatsuki. I gave in to it all, picked up a shard from the glass lampshade that was on the lamp... And dug away at my arm.

Its one month until our middle school years are over. Uryuu and I hung out every day after school. I haven't cut again since that moment of weakness, and no one knew.

"You've got one guess, and you know I know that you know who it is."

I repeated that sentence in my head about four times before I realized what he was talking about.

"Uhm, square root of 42?"

"Are you seriously giving up? It's so obvious!"

"Just tell me, Uryuu..."

We stopped walking down the street we were on. We were walking home from school, something we've start started doing unconsciously. He folded his hands, interlacing his fingers. He put them under his chin and glanced at me, and then his finger pointed right at me.

I back-stepped.

"M-me?"

He nodded.

"You like me?" I questioned as I looked to my feet. Why?

"Yeah."

I reached for my phone in my pocket. I wanted to call my mom; pretend I had something to do. I don't know how to take this.

"Let's hang out at your place today," I finally said. I surprised myself, but I guess I wanted to see what would happen.

Uryuu and I hung out every day. I guess you could say him and I started dating. A real boyfriend and girlfriend. It felt right. We played video games every night, stayed up late, even stayed at his house almost every night. It was like I never went home.

I felt so awkward near you anymore. I didn't know if I could hold Uryuu's hand before you and it not bother you, but it seemed like you didn't care anyway.

The eighth grade school year ended and I never saw you all summer. I spent it every night with Uryuu, or he stayed with me. My mom loved him. One night, I finally had my first kiss. Before summer vacation was over, my birthday rolled around and Uryuu brought me cake to my house that morning, eight A.M. It was cute. I almost forgot you existed. I didn't have time to think about you.

Weeks before school started, Uryuu and I had sex. I didn't know what to think of it then. I guess I couldn't really part from my feelings now. I felt as though I loved Uryuu now. But it wasn't the same love I felt for you.

We had an orientation for high school a week later.

I stood with you as the principle gave the greetings and a speech, then Hanataro and Renji found us, Toushiro bringing up the rear.

"Hey, Ichigo is here," Renji said suddenly.

My heart skipped a beat. You're still here, you didn't leave me again. Uryuu saw the look on my face and chuckled.

"Still 'love' him?"

I looked at him to try to see if he was teasing or actually mad. He was playing around.

"Yeah," I blurted out, turning red.

"Let's talk to him after the meeting."

I waited, suddenly regretting not making myself look more presentable. My hair was starting to grow out finally, but it was so curly it just looked so stupid. I never wore makeup anymore; I look too much like a boy. I had a button up shirt on with shorts that ended right above my knees. I looked stupid.

Afterward we met up with you and merely said hello. I told myself you were only acting like this because your parents were near. Uryuu and I left to my house and played video games together every night until school started.

Somehow, Uryuu and I managed to have almost every class together but with you, all I had was homeroom again. It was okay, it was still something. Our homeroom this year was a science lab, so I sat with you at a lab bench. We played that card game I saw you playing, and lost every time. Not because I let you, but just because I sucked at it.

There was no end of day homeroom, so fifteen minutes a day with you, and random passings in the hallway. I missed you so much.

December came, and my mother noticed a violent change in me. I was rebelling, hating, disobeying. I hated myself but I couldn't help it. She told me I had to breakup with Uryuu, or the cops were going to be called and he would never come near our house again.

So I had to... Right?

"Why?"

"My mother said to..."

"You never listen to her, why now? Of all times. You must be joking, Yukie."

"I wish I was..." I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Yukie..."

He pleaded for me to look up, but I turned and ran away. Time for homeroom. Instead I went to the guidance counselor and asked something be done about my schedule and get out of all his classes. The best they could do was switch a few of my classes and his, but we didn't have any classes together anymore.

Still none with you, Ichigo.

As I went about my day, random friends approached me and handed me notes from Uryuu. I read them all, pleading for me not to leave him, explaining special times we shared, and things you would do if I didn't stay with him. I didn't know what to do; I went to every single class without a word, tears stuck in my eyes and appearing as a zombie. I was so dead. I was lost.

The year went on, nothing between you and I changed, and Uryuu and I were awkward friends. Life. Continues.

Tenth grade.

They started informing us about the vocational school that each and every one of us had the opportunity to go to to get a head start on career training. You wanted to go. Impulsively, I wanted to go with you, chase after you. Anything, Ichigo. Just anything, to show you...

Later in the year, I wanted to confess to you again. So this time I took a subtle approach... Well, as subtle as I could manage. I wrote a note, and held it in my pocket all day. I snuck out of my last class to go wait outside yours, so I could walk with you to your locker, to your bus, and give you the note.

The bell rang, and Uryuu walked out next to you, right on your side. You two talked nonstop, laughing, doing what boys do. Once I got outside, my mother was waiting there to pick me up. She saw Uryuu, then started yelling, embarrassing me before everyone. I freaked out, shoved the letter in your hoodie pocket, and ran to the car.

That night, I got on my blog to write about another endeavor but then noticed I couldn't log in for some reason. My password was wrong? I went to the live view of my blog, and countless entries of the same sentence appeared.

HE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU  
HE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU  
HE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU  
HE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU

I cried myself to sleep. Uryuu posted so many other mean things. I hated him for it.

You acted like nothing ever happened. I don't know if you even read the note.

The school year passes, and it's now time for eleventh grade. Juniors. We both got into the vocational school, and I was happy. We spent four hours a day together; homeroom, lunch, and our trade class. No other classes, though. But I didn't sit near you in the lab. I decided I shouldn't appear so clingy to you.

I met new friends. I met a cute girl named Momo, and her friend Rukia. Rukia was a cute, odd girl. She was adorable all around. Momo was sweet in her own way, but after getting to know her I almost hated her. I was so used to being the one that all my friends turned to for help, being the one they all liked. After showing her my friends, she took that role from me, and they all suddenly wanted to be with her instead. I even almost thought she was out to be with you, claiming to love you like I had. But that changed when you met Rukia...

I thought you and I were finally building that friendship I felt we always needed. It made me so happy, and I thought we were getting somewhere.

We had lunch together. I sat across from you for a while until Momo took that spot. Rukia was in our lunch too, but always ate outside. One day I suddenly saw something that killed me inside, but I was so used to pretending I was okay...

Rukia touched your shoulder gently, and she went outside to eat her lunch. You looked around at our group of friends, back and forth over and over. No one said anything, until I let out my breath, trying to sound as genuine as possible:

"Go. Go after her, Ichigo."

You grabbed everything and practically ran after her.

I ended up meeting someone that year too. He was pretty cool, he made the pain go away. Mizuiro, quite an odd person, but just like me. But outside of this vocational school, we lived two hours away from each other. We barely saw each other except from school, but we somehow had every class together, cept for lunch.

We went to prom together, something I never saw myself doing. But we had so much fun! My mother let you come home with me that night after prom so we could spend the night together. But she wasn't as careless as she was with Uryuu...

I made Mizuiro dinner that night, his new favorite food. He played video games for the longest while, and then when I started to become tired, he started to touch me in ways Uryuu used to.

Never had I thought anyone would want me again like he did. I almost didn't want it to happen, because I wanted Ichigo to be my next and last. But that was just impossible. I couldn't have things the way I wanted.

Ichigo and Rukia. No one could believe it. You never had a girlfriend your whole life, then this one just comes along and she was everything to you. You fell in love with her so quickly, it was so intense. It was kind of beautiful, the two of you looked picture perfect together. I knew then I would never fit in that spot next to you. No matter what.

Instead of cutting my hair off this time, I dyed it black again. Dressed in black again.

Senior year came. It passed. You graduated next to her. You even went to prom with her, something you swore you'd never do. She brought out the you I wanted to spend all of my days with. You guys started making plans to spend your lives together, never marrying, and moving clear to Canada because of your shared hatred for the current economy and so many other random thing. It was all so perfect.

Two days after my birthday, after graduating, mom kicked me out. Eighteen and nowhere to go, my father stepped in. I moved an hour away from everyone.

Mizuiro and I barely saw each other. I didn't have a car, I didn't have money, and I had nothing. We had a relationship through the computer... I wish I would have had the knowledge to leave him when I found out he had other girlfriends for longer periods of time. He'd be playing me for almost two years... But I stayed with him, never seeing him. Why didn't I have the courage?

I had a graduation party and invited you and her. Rukia didn't come, and you said she had something wrong and had to stay home. You two were inseparable; you would have stayed by her side. Momo later told me Rukia had spent a night at a party, got drunk and fell in love with someone else.

I hated her so much, but she was so adorable I couldn't hate her for long.

You remained in this depression for months, and I figured I'd try again. I texted you my feelings another time and you never replied... But we decided to talk about it.

We went to visit a friend, and the drive was two hours. On the way back, we laughed, sung songs together, talked, then it became quiet. I asked you if we could talk about the way I felt, and you remained silent.

"I think we could try sometime... But I just can't be sure. I just don't know how it would turn out, and I wouldn't want to hurt you."

"There's no way you could hurt me," I said almost instantly. You could, but I didn't care. A chance is a chance. I knew I would never compare to Rukia, which I thought you were somehow doing.

"I could, and I don't want to..."

I wanted to grab your hand and hold it, tell you every memory of you I have that shines, why I cared, just a lullaby to drive to. I wanted to release these years of emotions, all these things I thought you should know. I wanted to place a kiss in the palm of your hand and close your hand, tell you to save it for when you really thought you would need it, and if you really needed it I would have been there for you in a heartbeat. Everything you wanted I would give to you in the best of my abilities, do it without a second care. I wanted to be yours, be held by you and hold you back when you needed it. I wanted to kiss you, everything I could be...! I would do anything for you if only you gave me the chance. Just one chance...

But I did nothing, and we made it back to my father's... You left without turning the car off.

I almost never saw you again.

Two years later, so many things happened to me, I finally left Mizuiro, but I was in need of a place to live. Here I find you and three other friends living in a large house together, working hard to pay rent and have fun living together. You let me into the house, which was more than I expected. I figured I'd try one more time... All our friends lived here. Hisagi, Keigo, and Ikkaku. Momo was in the process of moving out; I got her old room... But I never once slept in it.

Hisagi was an old classmate of mine, clear back from ninth grade. He sat behind me in algebra class... A class I slept through each and every day. He confessed to having feelings for me, and I was feeling the same after a few days, and we decided to date.

But it was hell. He knew how I felt about you, Ichigo, and hated if I was ever near you. I wasn't able to leave the bedroom him and I shared for longer than five minutes without him accusing me of cheating on him with you or Ikkaku. Why? Why? I put up with it. You ended up getting another new girlfriend. I broke up with Hisagi, moved back in with my dad for a month or two to save up for my own place to live. I was falling apart. Nothing went the way I wanted it, you were gone away, Ichigo, when I wanted you the most, when I needed you.

My God, I loved you. I still do. I can't help it.

Hisagi and I got back together and moved into an apartment together, cause I was sure I would probably never see you again. I just had to stay happy somehow.

A year passed, Hisagi and I off and on; I broke up with him three times, he broke up with me about five times and I got sick of it. Now him and I just live together as roommates and hate each other so bad.

But! You and Keigo hang out with me almost every weekend! Ah, the joy I get from it all. You and the new girlfriend broke up, so here we are, both single. I die every time I see you walk away. Yet we still remain friends. I've told you almost a dozen times how I felt about you, and I think you're just used to it by now. I suppose this is the best way we can stay now.

Keigo has a beautiful girlfriend I'm becoming good friends with. She's pretty cool. We all hang out every weekend, the way I always wanted to spend time with you. I try my hardest to stand out to you, stay true and real towards you, so you can see my intentions are pure.

My God, I love you. Everything about you. You're so amazing, so cute, so handsome. Your eyes, I could get lost in. Even when your wore glasses. Your smile is so unique, so happy, even when I know you're suffering. You try to hide it, but I know it all too well. Your hands, no matter how much you work with them, are so caring to everything. You try to hide the sensitive side inside, but when it slips I find myself even more lost in you. The way you speak, the way you sing, the way you silently hide your cries, I admire it and want to make sure you never cry, and if you do, I want to wipe those tears away. I want to touch you in ways that make you know how I feel, tell you ways I could try to prove it to you, just show you everything I could possibly do to show you I'd do anything.

I'm not begging, I'm promising.

Ichigo, this is my confession to you from my point of view. My confession in a way that would help you understand.

I love you more than you'll ever know. I've felt this way for eight years now. All I ask is a chance for me to let you feel loved, and be loved. Maybe... Just maybe...

One day you might feel the same.


End file.
